Dear Dapo or Dbanj as we call you in Nigeria or Skibanj as your Jamaican friends call you, I greet you.
I have followed you from the days you were with the JJC and 419 squad and I must say you’ve had a pretty good career. You decided you wanted to settle down despite all the kokolets and mamalets at your disposal, I salute that as well.
You had Daniel III and you’ve watched him grow till he clocked 365 days in May, I say weldone.
It broke my heart reading on Monday 25th June 2018 that Daniel passed on and I seriously condole with you and hope you get back up soon.
Permit me to introduce myself to you as I am not popularly known to you. I’m Toluse Dove Francis. I help people over grief and loss, depression and anger.
Let me offer you in brief things that I don’t want you to fall into.
In 2017, I wrote a book titled Beyond Blue, and it’s about coping with grief and managing depression. In the book, I explained the five stages of grief which I’ll like to talk about this stages of grief briefly
Denial, where we say to ourselves, “This could not have happened to me! Never!” You may experience this but I urge you to accept what has happened as this is the first step to your healing.
Anger, where you’re emotionally upset with yourself, or with others over what’s happened. I would want to urge you not to be angry with anyone or at anything as this would have an impact on your health.
Bargaining, where after we are angry, we then begin to say, “But why me, God?” “Please gimme another chance,” “God take me instead”. You cannot bargain Sir rather as I said above, please do accept what has happened.
Depression, where we become saddened by the incidence of the death, as is the case here. At this point, the person can become silent or refuse to welcome people or become unusually cold. This stage is where professional attention should be sought. Please don’t give room to erratic thoughts. When your mind wanders and thinks of terrible things, shake it off.
And finally, Acceptance, this is that time where you may want to accept that Daniel.
So I understand you’re grieving right now and the truth is you’d pass through the phases but how quickly you over each stage is determined by you and not anyone else.
And in the midst of the entire grief process, the quality of questions you ask also matters. What if you could ask yourself, “What meaningful lessons can I take away from this experience?”
You may want to seek professional help at this point so the grieving doesn’t linger and you can get back up.
Let me say that it’s okay for you to cry. Yes, should you feel like crying, go ahead as it is okay to cry even as man. Don’t be ashamed to cry. Lest I forget, please don’t blame Lineo. She also needs you right now and you both can got through the healing process together.
Lastly, let me urge you to stay off alcohol and un-prescribed medications at this time as well as seclusion. Get around those who will help you positively.
I wish you quick recovery and I am available should you want to have a conversation.
I will stop here as I don’t intend to write too long a letter.
May Daniel rest in peace.
Do accept my condolences and my prayers are with you!
Toluse Dove Francis
Author, Beyond Blue : coping with grief and loss, preventing and managing depression.
Also published on Medium.